


One Day at a Time

by theultimatezb



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Amnesia fic, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Gen, Slightly smutty towards the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 22:57:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5023825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatezb/pseuds/theultimatezb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa’s voice startled Clarke’s thoughts from spiraling even further into the black hole that was her broken, gaping heart. “Do we know each other?”</p><p>Clarke sighed and her lips trembled against her will. It was hard to keep her tears at bay, but she quickly wiped them away the second they fell onto her cheeks. “Yes.”</p><p>Lexa knew that much. She also had a feeling they were close, judging by the way Clarke was looking at her – or barely looking at her. “How did we meet?”</p><p>Clarke laughed, a hearty laugh that even managed to make the edges of Lexa’s lips pull upwards into a thin smile. This was going to take all day and night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Day at a Time

**Author's Note:**

> aka the 14k Amnesia fic nobody asked for. Mistakes are all mine. Translations are at the bottom of the page.

**Present day**

Leaves crunched under heavy feet, and footprints disturbed the packed dirt road right outside the giant metallic gates of Camp Jaha as they exchanged goodbyes and long, tight hugs with a heavy heart. Abby, Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, Kane and another handful of Clarke’s family and friends watched as Clarke slung a bag over one of her shoulders before handing a larger backpack to Lexa who was already perched on the horse. The rest of the Sky People watched from afar with kind eyes, behind the fence within the confines of the camp to bid silent farewells to Clarke, wishing her and Lexa a safe journey and hoped they’d finally find what they were looking for.

Spring was only just beginning. It had been one of the longest winters the Grounders had ever witnessed. The last leg of winter had been brutal, when it snowed, it _really_ snowed – pelting down what was remained of the Ark, hitting against every roof and window loudly during eerily silent winter nights. It was still cold out, but the dirty snow on the ground was melting and the sun shining brightly down on them was like a promise of blossoming flowers and lush green trees.

Only Indra, Lincoln and a couple of grounder warriors came to see them off. Lexa was a great leader after all, there would not be a coalition if not for her. They respected her greatly, and they would until their last dying breath. Lexa fought for their survival and almost lost her own life – she had returned from the brink of death multiple times over the years – for her people and it would never be forgotten.

The Grounders spoke using lesser words than the Sky People, a sentence here and a grunt there, maybe even a subtle nod, and Lexa thanked Abby and the rest for their hospitality before leaving Clarke to a lengthier goodbye with her people. She hugged every one of them, promising to be safe and to take care, leaving her mother for the last.

Abby pulled the daughter in for a crushing hug, there was a sadness in her voice as she spoke. “When will you be back? Both of you?” She looked over Clarke’s shoulder, settling her gaze on Lexa who was watching the both of them.

“I don’t know, mum.” Clarke pulled back from the warm hug, already missing her mother’s arms around her. “It might work, it might not work.”

Abby understood what Clarke was trying to say. She was a doctor and she knew these things take time, and there was a chance those memories that were lost could never be regained ever again.

“I still don’t know how I feel about you and Lexa living in the middle of nowhere by yourselves.” Abby clung onto Clarke’s shoulders, disliking the fact that her daughter would be going away indefinitely.

“Don’t worry, we can take care of ourselves.” Clarke dug out the tiny device from her pocket and held it up in her palm. “Besides, Raven made this. In case anything happens, just a push of a button and you can send in the cavalry.”

Abby’s main concern was if anything were to happen to her daughter, it would take them days to reach Clarke. “If you need anything, anything at all, use that device and we’ll come for you, okay?”

"I will." Clarke let herself get pulled in for another hug from Abby, nodding into her mother’s shoulder. “May we meet again."

* * *

**A couple of weeks before departure**

When Lexa had finally woken up from her coma, frantic and unable to calm herself down, they sedated her and now Clarke was watching her from a corner of the room, eyes refusing to close no matter how exhausted she was feeling and how her brain screamed and begged for her to get some rest.

She’d promised a comatose Lexa that she would be there when she wakes, when she was ready. Clarke whispered promises into Lexa’s ear every day since the moment Lexa was found battered, bloodied and unconscious in the snow almost two weeks ago. Clarke hardly left Lexa’s side, and it happened that during the rare times that Clarke was away from Lexa’s bed, the brunette had woken up, alone and lost, years of her memory taken away from her and the Commander’s spirit had long moved on to another much younger grounder warrior.

Everyone – both the Sky People and the Grounders – were shocked to find out that the spirit had left Lexa’s body. Lexa wasn’t dead, yet she wasn’t alive and well either. Her pulse was incredibly faint and she had tubes all around her body. It made sense that the Commander’s spirit had moved on, but this was a first for the Grounders. Many of Lexa’s people thought that the Sky People were foolish to try and keep her alive, that she was probably dead, but they also knew not to question the Arkers when it comes to medicine.

When Clarke ran towards Lexa’s room the second she heard Bellamy shouting her name from across camp with news of Lexa’s consciousness, the heavy sigh of relief and gratefulness turned into heartbreak and uneasiness in her chest as she watched Lexa struggle to remember her and almost landing a punch across Jackson’s face when he tried to calm her down. Clarke remembered the way Lexa flinched at her touch, green eyes hardening with hostility, not an ounce of the Lexa that Clarke fell in love with was present in her.

After it took five people to hold Lexa down and sedate her, Clarke ran out of the room and into a quiet and dark corner, sobbing into her hand until her knees gave out.

Now, after Clarke inspected her wounds and made sure the stitches were still intact, Clarke had to wait for Lexa to wake up for the second time that day to try and explain her condition to her, and Clarke had no idea how to do it. Abby volunteered to do so, but Clarke wanted to do it herself. She loved Lexa after all, and she needed to do this, if not for Lexa then for herself.

She pulled her jacket tight around her body and hugged herself. It was no longer snowing but it was still incredibly cold out, and even in the warmth of Lexa’s room, Clarke’s tolerance for the cold was really low. She had survived through two winters, but it never got easier.

Clarke let out a soft gasp when she saw Lexa’s fingers twitched and her eyes fluttering open from across the room. She stood from the chair and slowly made her way towards the bed, announcing her presence by clearing her throat. Her stomach clenched uncomfortably when Lexa squirmed on the bed, her hands struggling against the restraints. Lexa growled and clenched her fists, trying to pull herself free.

“Calm down, Lexa. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

Green eyes darted up immediately to look at Clarke, the intensity in those eyes managed to pierce through Clarke’s soul, like a predator ready to pounce, like a warrior ready to kill. Clarke sucked in a breath, those green eyes so familiar and yet so foreign, and Clarke’s chest ached painfully with every stuttered breath.

Clarke waited, she waited for Lexa to snap again, a syringe held in her left hand behind her back ready to sedate Lexa again but silently wishing she wouldn’t need to resort to that option again. Lexa’s eyes remained trained on Clarke’s face, scanning her features, her sunny blonde hair. Clarke felt slightly uncomfortable under such careful scrutiny, but she let Lexa stare as much as she wanted, until she was satisfied with whatever she saw there.

Lexa saw the slight tremble of Clarke’s bottom lip and her blue eyes shining with a thin layer of wetness, and something about the blonde girl told her that she meant something to her. To each other. After several minutes she stopped struggling against the restraints, unclenched her fists and leaned back down against the pillow. She could only keep up the hostility for so long before her limbs ached and her wounds hurt more than it should. Her eyes only softening a little as she relaxed her jaw. Clarke’s shoulder sagged in relief and silently thanked the stars for not needing to resort to sedation again.

“I’m going to remove them, but I need to know you won’t do anything foolish, okay?” Clarke gesture at Lexa’s wrists and waited until the former Commander nodded.

When Lexa’s wrists were free, she rubbed at the tender skin there, red and angry. “You know my name, but I do not know yours. Who are you?”

“I’m Clarke. You probably have a lot of questions, but I need to know where your head is at first. So I can help you to fill in the blanks.”

Lexa looked around the room, the shiny walls and metallic doors were nothing she had ever seen back at home. Was this an abandoned bomb shelter? Her eyes suddenly widened in shock, maybe even a hint of fear at the realization that she might be in the Mountain, captured by her enemies.

“Is this the Mountain? Are you one of the Mountain Men?”

Clarke sighed softly, this was going to be hard to explain. “No, I’m not. The Mountain has been defeated about two years ago. You’re safe here.”

“Where is here? Where is the Trikru? Where is nomon en nontu? Anya?”

Lexa looked more confused and lost with every name she spoke of, the fear now obvious in her eyes. Clarke remembered all those nights when they lay in bed together, limbs intertwined and the glow from the candles illuminating Lexa’s features as she surrendered her body, her mind, her soul to Clarke, desperate to be held within the safety of Clarke’s arms. How she’d admit her anxieties and fears to Clarke during the war with the Ice Nation. Fear of losing Clarke like she did Costia, fear of the Ice Queen knowing exactly which buttons to push so Lexa would make the wrong move. That kind of vulnerability only existed behind closed doors and in front of Clarke. When Lexa was the Commander, she was brave and ruthless, a formidable leader.

Of course Lexa was still a warrior as she was trained to become one since young. But now, Lexa was just a girl – no armor and weapons, without her memories and no longer the Commander.

Clarke ran her fingers along the edge of the bed, struggling to come up with the words Lexa needed to hear. “You’re in Camp Jaha, a fallen space station that landed on the ground, on Earth. Your parents died in a fire right before you became the Commander. And Anya fought bravely under your command.”

Lexa’s nostrils flared as she tried to control her breathing and struggled to keep her tears from falling. It was hard to tell Lexa about her parents and Anya, and Clarke felt bad for Lexa that she had to learn the news of their death all over again.

When she managed to blink back her tears, Lexa’s eyes hardened and she clenched her jaw like she used to when found in a difficult situation.

“Do you think I am a fool? I do not believe you fell from the sky and I was Heda.”

“It’s the truth, Lexa. You led the 12 clans and you’re the reason why there is a coalition in the first place.”

Lexa scoffed, she wasn’t buying it. “ _Me_? Leader of the 12 Clans? That is preposterous. I was Anya’s Second, but I am no Commander of the 12 Clans.”

Clarke went to pull the chair that she was sitting on towards Lexa’s bed and sat down to make herself comfortable. This was going to be a long conversation.

“You were the Commander, but not anymore. After you led your people to defeat the Ice Nation and its queen, you fell into a coma for two weeks and the Commander’s spirit moved on to someone else.”

“The Ice Nation rebelled against the coalition? Against the Commander?”

Clarke nodded. “The Ice Queen wasn’t a fan of you and the coalition. She tried to turn the other clans against you, she wanted a war and so you gave her one. You’re the Ice Queen Slayer.”

There was no response from Lexa, she seemed to be deep in her thoughts trying to process what Clarke just told her. In her mind, she was just a warrior from the Trikru. How did of all this happen to her and she couldn’t even remember half of it? Of her parent’s death?

“What do you remember, Lexa?”

Lexa frowned, her head against the pillow as she tried to remember the last thing that was on her mind. Her eyes watered again at the news of her parent’s and Anya’s death, but she tried to put on a brave face.

Clarke saw the struggle in Lexa’s eyes, and her stomach clenched at Lexa’s expression. Maybe she should give Lexa some time to process everything.

“I can… I can come back later.”

Clarke turned to leave, but Lexa stopped her. She could mourn later.

“No, wait.” Lexa blinked back the tears again before recalling the last memory she remembered. “I was… training with Anya. My parents were on a journey to Polis to do some trading. My father was a blacksmith.”

Clarke mentally calculated the years between the deaths of Lexa’s parents to the defeat of the Ice Nation. Lexa was missing years of her memories. Stripped away her past title as the Commander and Anya’s Second, Lexa was just… Lexa. Without her parents. Clarke panicked internally, at a loss of how she could help Lexa regain her memories. What hurts the most was Lexa had no clue who she was, what they meant to each other. How could she help Lexa when she could barely look at the person she loved in the eye without feeling the urge to cry?

Lexa’s voice startled Clarke’s thoughts from spiraling even further into the black hole that was her broken, gaping heart. “Do we know each other?”

Clarke sighed and her lips trembled against her will. It was hard to keep her tears at bay, but she quickly wiped them away the second they fell onto her cheeks. “Yes.”

Lexa knew that much. She also had a feeling they were close, judging by the way Clarke was looking at her – or barely looking at her. “How did we meet?”

Clarke laughed, a hearty laugh that even managed to make the edges of Lexa’s lips pull upwards into a thin smile. This was going to take all day and night.

* * *

The road to rediscovery and getting to know each other was painful for Clarke. Each night after having to spend her days with Lexa, Clarke would collapse onto her bed and silently cry herself to sleep with Lexa in the room next to hers. Clarke often found herself reaching out to Lexa just in time to retreat her hand that was hovering above Lexa’s shoulder, or an endearment or two would slip from her tongue. She craved to be near Lexa, but she couldn’t, and the constant tug of war between her head and her heart became unbearable at times. Sometimes Lexa tried to ignore the pained look on Clarke’s face or her swollen eyes and dark circles in the mornings.

Heeding her mother’s advice, once Lexa’s wounds were almost healed and the bandage around her head could be removed, Clarke agreed it was time for Lexa to return to the Trikru. It was best for Lexa to be around her people and in a familiar environment to increase the chances of regaining her memories. Clarke knew this day would come, even Lexa had been complaining about how suffocating it was to be living in a metal box even though the Ark was beautiful and extraordinary, nothing like she had ever seen or dreamed. She told Clarke that she felt like the odd one out, like she didn’t belong there. Clarke couldn’t blame her, she didn’t know anyone and despite whatever feelings Clarke still had for Lexa, it was best for Lexa to return to her clan.

As they walked the worn path towards Tondc, Clarke tried to ignore the dull ache in her chest as it grew more and more painful with each step she took. It was peaceful times now that what was left of the Ice Nation had been destroyed, some surrendered and most dead, they could walk in the forest without the fear of being harmed.

Every few minutes or so, Clarke would cast a quick glance at Lexa who was walking beside her. Lexa looked absolutely beautiful with her long brown hair tied in a simple braid, her clothes much simpler than how the former Commander used to dress. Lexa looked casually breathtaking, the phantom crushing weight of the world off of her shoulders and her chest, and the only weapon she was carrying was a dagger on her hip. This was a version of Lexa Clarke dreamt to see, but now that she was actually seeing it, she felt sharp pains stabbing at her heart, the bitter realization of the price to pay in order to see Lexa rid of the world from her shoulders.

Clarke blinked back tears and reminded herself of the harsh reality – any version of Lexa she had fantasized about wasn’t hers to fantasize anymore.

They walked in silence, and even though this wasn’t goodbye, Clarke was still heartbroken to have to part ways with Lexa after escorting her back to Tondc.

“Clarke,” Lexa cleared her throat and stared at the dirt road ahead of them. “You will come and visit, yes?”

“Of course.” Clarke tried to swallow the lump that was lodged in her throat ever since that morning. She didn’t trust herself to say too many words.

“I am sorry.”

Clarke slowed her movements until Lexa was forced to slow down and turn around to look at her. A gust of cold wind caused Clarke’s body to shiver. “What for?”

“That I cannot remember the memories I have lost. That I cannot remember you.” Lexa’s eyes were soft, a familiar green that wasn’t there when she first woke up. “I am sure you were a great lover.”

“Oh, um—” A blush quickly crept up Clarke’s neck and pale cheeks, and when she saw the serious look on Lexa’s face, the redness in her cheeks grew even hotter with each shallow breath she took. “—I… Thanks, I guess?”

Lexa simply shrugged and carried on walking with Clarke trailing closely behind. Clarke did catch up once she was sure the blush was gone and her face was no longer warm with embarrassment.

It took them another hour to reach the gates of Tondc, and the pair stood still as the guards opened the gate while trying not to stare at their old commander for too long. Lexa fixed her gaze beyond the gate, the smell of skewered meat roasting over the fire, the sound of children running around and people shouting around in trigedasleng reminded her of home, something Camp Jaha lacked of. But it looked different than the last time she’d been here. Clarke told her about the missile and that the village was still rebuilding itself since. She tried to ignore the awkward stares from the two guards, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest. Her parents were gone and so was Anya, so what good would her home do for her if the people in it were dead?

Once the gate was opened wide enough for the both of them to enter the village, all eyes were on Lexa, the usual ruckus of Tondc died down immediately, only the sounds of trees swaying above and birds chirping their songs. It made Lexa’s skin crawl and she was this close to turning back around and going back to Camp Jaha or anywhere else, a cave maybe, just not here.

Every second of painful silence felt like a minute, and both Clarke and Lexa were relieved to see a familiar face. Indra made her way across the village to greet them and the silence grew into soft murmurs and curious glances. Lexa remembered Indra, a fellow warrior of the Trikru. They exchanged nods as a form of greeting.

“Indra,” Clarke smiled at the warrior but was met with a firm nod as usual.

“Clarke of the Sky People, thank you for escorting Hed—Lexa to Tondc.” Indra looked slightly embarrassed for the slip, but recovered swiftly. She turned to Lexa, “There is lodging prepared for you. You are free to stay in Tondc as long as you wish. Yu laik Trigedakru, disha laik yu houm.”

“Mochof, Indra.”

Indra’s eyes softened as she squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. “I am glad you are alive and well, Lexa.”

Indra had been to Camp Jaha several times when Lexa was still in a coma. Even though she served a new Commander now, Indra was proud to have served under Lexa’s command. There was no way of knowing if the new Commander would be capable enough to follow in Lexa’s footsteps yet, but Indra sure hoped to the Gods that young Maddox would be exceptional as well.

“But my memories are missing.”

“You should be grateful you are alive. There are worst ways to suffer from severe head injuries.”

Clarke nodded in agreement and let Indra lead Lexa to her new home. Lexa’s eyes remained on Clarke until she had to tear them away from her and Clarke had to pretend she didn’t know a pair of green eyes were on her as she greeted a few warriors she’d recognized. She spent a few minutes making small talk with the grounders before refilling her water canteen for the road back to Camp Jaha.

She kept looking at the hut Lexa was led to, wondering if she should at least say goodbye before heading back home. Clarke didn’t know when she’d see Lexa again, but she didn’t think she could look into Lexa’s eyes and not cry this time. She looked at the hut one last time, her lips quivering slightly at the thought of leaving the woman she loved.

But it didn’t matter anymore. Lexa wasn’t hers and Clarke wasn’t Lexa’s, not anymore. Clarke had to let it go. Years of love and war and tragedy. Countless nights under the stars and days spent by the lake. She had to let her go.

* * *

It was late, that much she knew. The phantom-like knocks on her door must be her imagination. It had only been a day since she left Lexa in Tondc, but it felt like a month of heartbreak, her eyes swollen and her throat hoarse. Food was left by her bedside untouched, and Clarke wrinkled her nose at the smell.

She tried to keep herself busy so she wouldn’t think about Lexa, but the day after she returned from Tondc, it had been one of the slowest days at Camp Jaha. By midday, Clarke collapsed into her bed and the waterworks started almost immediately. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried so much. Like her default reaction was to release the chocking sobs stuck in her throat whenever she was alone. Clarke felt pathetic and weak when she should be feeling grateful that Lexa was alive, that she was out of the coma.

There was another knock, so maybe it was real, but Clarke really didn’t want to see or speak to anyone right now. She pulled the blanket tighter over her head and tried to drown out the now incessant knocking until she heard a voice she didn’t think she’d hear again, at least not so soon anyway.

Clarke jumped out of bed, a little too quickly and her head was spinning at the sudden movement. “Lexa?”

“Clarke, may I come in?” Lexa’s muffled voice seeped into her room and sent chills down her spine, keeping her frozen in place.

When there was no answer from Clarke, Lexa pushed the door open slightly just enough for her head to peek in.

“Lexa,” Clarke gasped at the sight of Lexa, rubbing her eyes so she was certain she wasn’t hallucinating. “What are you doing here?”

Lexa opened the door wider and entered the room without standing too close to Clarke. She thought Clarke looked miserable and even though she knew somehow it had something to do with her, she tried not to think about it. For some reason, it hurt her that Clarke was in pain.

“I… I couldn’t stay there. In Tondc.”

“Why not?”

“They were all staring at me. Like a ghost back from the dead.”

Clarke tried to blink away the sudden images of Lexa’s motionless body lying on the snowy ground and in a puddle of her own blood, her face almost as pale as the snow. She refused to think what if they’d found her a minute later, a second later. She refused to think instead of carrying Lexa’s ice cold body back to the medical bay, they could’ve been carrying her dead body to a pyre.

Even though she refused to think of those things, it came back to haunt her anyway.

Clarke wiped her face with her hands as if it would help to make her look like she wasn’t crying. “Well, you were very close to dying. If it hadn’t been for the medical equipment and knowledge from my people, you could’ve been dead. You were being fed through a tube, Lexa. I can understand why they stared.”

Lexa paced the short distance from Clarke’s bed to the door. She didn’t know why she’d decided to walk through the woods in the middle of the night to see Clarke. She didn’t know why it took so much courage for her to lift her arm and knock on her door. When she stopped pacing, Lexa plopped down onto the foot of Clarke’s bed, her hands on lap and head bowed down.

“I can’t go back, Clarke.”

Clarke sighed and sat down next to Lexa. “Do you want to stay here? In Camp Jaha?”

“No. I—I don’t know.” Lexa was at a loss for what she should do next. Maybe coming here was a mistake. She was a grounder and Camp Jaha wasn’t her home. She stood up and headed for the door, suddenly slightly embarrassed for coming here unannounced. “I should go.”

“Wait!” Clarke stood from the bed too and chewed on her bottom lip. “I have an idea. We can leave in two days if you want.”

* * *

**Present day**

It took them two full days of riding before they finally arrived at their destination. The sun was just beginning to set when Clarke steered the horse through a small field filled with flowers and green grass into the shallow woods that led to the small cabin. The view of the waning sunlight pouring over the field and into the woods was a view Lexa could get used to. She couldn’t wait to spend her days and nights splayed on a patch of grass and for some reason that caused her insides to warm and a hint of a smile to form on her lips, Lexa couldn’t wait to spend it with Clarke too.

“Wait till you see the lake,” Clarke turned around to look at Lexa who still had a small smile plastered on her face.

And Clarke was right. On the other side of the thin woods and the cabin was a lake that was met by snowcapped mountains on the other side of the lake. The sky was pink with large fluffy clouds floating in the air, the mountains reflected beautifully against the orange light of the sunset that painted a picture on the surface of the lake. Trees surrounded the lake like a fence, keeping wanderers and strangers out, and Lexa couldn’t help but think that the lake belonged only to them.

Lexa was so captivated by the scenery that she didn’t realize her companion had already descended from the horse. She tore her eyes away from the view in front of her and saw blue eyes looking up at her, shining with excitement and for the first time, contentment. Lexa saw the sun’s reflection in those blue eyes and long golden hair glowing even more beautifully than usual, which she didn’t think was possible until now. For the first time in the longest time, Lexa felt tiny creatures fluttering in her stomach and her heart jumping up to her throat. Like she had transformed from a girl to a woman for the second time, starting to appreciate the beauty in another person in a way that made Lexa want to smile until her face ached, until she falls asleep and dreams of Clarke. Even if she didn’t realize this the moment she laid eyes on Clarke, Lexa certainly realized it now.

Clarke was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen.

“C’mon,” Clarke held up her arm and offered it to Lexa to help her get down from the horse.

Lexa had to clear her throat and take in deep breaths to calm the pounding in her chest. She took Clarke’s hand in hers and landed on the ground gracefully, but Clarke continued to hold her hand anyway.

“I wanna show you the cabin.”

Lexa let herself be led to the front of the small house, walking past the empty garden along the side of the cabin. There was a small stable that could fit two horses too, on the far left of the property. When they reached the front steps, Clarke let go of Lexa’s hand and walked up to the front door, her hand digging into her bag for a key. Lexa stood before the steps and surveyed the structure of the establishment. Logs framed the walls of the house and the roof was made with wooden planes. Leaves and vines covered the edges of steps and the bottom of the wooden house, it seemed abandoned and slightly rundown but in a rustic charming way. It was to be expected as Lexa heard from Clarke that ever since Lexa the Commander procured the cabin, she’d barely been there with Clarke and even lesser times by herself.

Ever since they got together, they’d been here a total of three times. It was what they needed when things back home – whether it was Camp Jaha, Tondc or Polis – had gotten tense and stressful, a little peace and quiet for a couple of days with one another before the fighting and war began, like the calm before the storm. They’d swim in the lake and stay in bed till noon, Lexa shedding her Commander skin and bravado and be open and vulnerable with Clarke. Clarke still held those memories close to her heart, and being back with Lexa this time made her think about the times they had spent together here, in the little corner of the world during the ride up here.

Clarke pulled the thick chain that was looped around the handle of the door and a hook attached on the doorframe once she unlocked it. She turned to look at Lexa who was still taking in the log cabin from the steps of the house.

“This place belongs to me?” Lexa looked at Clarke with her brow furrowed in wonder.

“Yes, Lexa.” Clarke walked down the steps to stand in front of the former Commander, the chains still in her hand. “You helped the Boat People with a crisis when you first became the Commander. The Chief had given you this land and the cabin as a thank you for your help. Well, at least that was what you told me.”

“But I am no longer the Commander.”

“What you’ve earned during your time as the Commander is yours. It’s your hard work.”

Lexa nodded, still eyeing the cabin over Clarke’s shoulders. Clarke reached forward and grabbed Lexa’s hand again and pulled her towards the door.

The inside of the house was stuffy and dusty, and Clarke mumbled to herself the list of things they’d need to do before they settle down for the night. Lexa scanned the cozy dwelling quickly. There was a shelf at the corner of the cabin that housed a few books and daggers, a table and two chairs by the window, a bedside table and a bed big enough for two that occupied half the space of the cabin. By the door, a bow and a sheath of arrows were leaning against the wall, as well as tools and equipment for cooking and gardening. It was as small as it looked from the outside, but it was warm and it could definitely be home for Lexa.

Clarke opened up the windows to let the chilly evening air circulate in the room before standing beside Lexa with her hands on her hips.

“So, what do you think?”

“I think it is fine, Clarke. I think it is beautiful.”

Lexa scanned over the house one more time – she could see the mountains and the lake through the opened windows and the pinkish orange glow of the water warmed her insides – and then her eyes landed on Clarke. Yeah, Lexa could definitely call this place her home.

* * *

The sun was prevailing against the cold winds during springtime, clouds dispersing and giving way to the rays and it was warm enough that they didn’t have to wear their jackets out. The pair woke up bright and early – both didn’t get much sleep when they were just inches away from each other – and headed into the woods to find food. Clarke was tasked with gathering edible berries and water while Lexa brought the bow and arrow out along with her to hunt for food.

It had been a while since Lexa used a bow and she’d been recovering from her wounds ever since she woke up, but the skills she’d learned as a warrior were well embedded into her brain. Lexa stood in the middle of the forest with her eyes closed, only using her ears to detect movements. When she picked up something on her right, Lexa positioned herself in a shooting stance and lifted the bow with her left arm and the fingers on her right held the arrow. She closed her eyes and listened again. When she was ready, Lexa drew in a deep breath and held it in as she released the arrow in the direction of the sounds and smirked to herself when she saw she’d hit her target. It was all muscle memory.

Clarke watched it happen and was impressed by how graceful Lexa looked when firing the arrow even though it had been ages since Lexa used a bow. Clarke was always enthralled by the way Lexa carried herself around a weapon. Elegant and agile, a weapon was like an extension of her arm, a tool either for destruction or salvation. Lexa never wielded a weapon without reason and she never struck without absolute necessity.

They ate in silence, Clarke only disturbed their peaceful bubble once to mention how great the weather was and Lexa only nodded her agreement. As they cleaned up after their meal, Lexa stared up at the cloudy sky, her fingers running through her braid-free hair. The sun on her skin felt wonderful, and suddenly Lexa had an idea on what they should do next.

Clarke really liked this stripped down version of Lexa. She was wearing a light colored tunic, black pants and dark brown boots and a sheathed dagger strapped securely around her hips. Her dark hair long and untamed, her left hand behind her head as a pillow and her right hand holding a flower to her nose. Lexa looked young and carefree, utterly beautiful surrounded by a sea of lilies. She had a small and content smile on her face, green eyes sheltered by her eyelids as she embraced the golden rays penetrating her skin. Clarke looked at Lexa with admiration behind hooded blue eyes, and the hair at the back of Lexa’s neck stood under Clarke’s stare.

Clarke blinked, like her eyes were a camera and her eyelids worked as the shutter as she blinked once, twice, to capture the image of Lexa under the sun.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice broke Clarke out of her trance but a sweet smile was still on her face. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Were we in love?”

Clarke almost chocked on her own saliva at Lexa’s question, her face suddenly red but not from the warmth of the sun. She fidgeted but struggled to find a comfortable position.

“Um, yes.” There was no other way to answer this question. _Very much in love. Like ‘I would move the mountains and you would part the seas’ in love._

Lexa turned her head slightly to look at the blonde, her eyes much more serious than before. “It’s just that… the way you look at me… I have a feeling I loved you. And you loved me.”

There were several different emotions coursing through her body. Clarke had to take some time to process every one of them before she exploded. Lexa understood and waited through the silence, waited for Clarke to unpack what she had just said.

The first thing Clarke felt was the way her heart broke into pieces when Lexa said she _loved_ her. The way the word crushed her windpipe and squeezed her lungs, the way Clarke had to swallow painfully and let the word cause mayhem in her abdomen like an indigestion. She felt sick, like she could throw up any time, but all she could do was power through the nausea and try not to look like she could crumble into pieces.

The utter randomness of Lexa’s question felt like a splash of cold water on her face. Had she… been staring at Lexa for far too long and far too often, borderline inappropriate and creepy? It must had been too obvious if Lexa caught her staring more than once.

Clarke opened her mouth and closed it again, words struggling to roll off her tongue. She thought about how to response to that, but nothing seemed right or felt right.

“Yes,” Clarke’s voice was soft, a particularly strong breeze threatening to carry that word away before Lexa could hear it. But she did, her eyes flickering up to gaze into Clarke’s, warm and green like the grass around them. “We loved each other.”

Lexa sat up and twirled the flower that was still in her hand, contemplating what she should say next. “You told me I left you and your people at the Mountain. That in order to save my people, I gave up yours. How could you forgive me and love me after that?”

Clarke sat up too as she used her arms to support her upper body. “It took me a long time to forgive you for what you did. I understood why you did it and I didn’t blame you for it. I still don’t. At first I was angry and I did blame you, but I realized being the Commander meant putting your people first and you were just doing your job. It took a while for me to understand your situation, but I did. After a really long soul searching and making sure I didn’t lose my mind in the woods.”

Right. Clarke had told her about abandoning her people after defeating the mountain and how she ran into Lexa a month later in one of the grounder villages. She thought about what Clarke had just said, and it made sense. It would be what she would do. Well, technically she did do that. She just couldn’t remember.

Lexa nodded to herself, still processing what Clarke had just told her. “A Commander has to lead with their head, not their heart.”

Clarke gasped at Lexa’s words and the serious expression on her face. For a moment, those words sent her back through time. For a moment, she was back at Mount Weather with Lexa, the moment the Commander broke her heart. But the moment was short lived as she felt the brush of knees when Lexa moved and stretched her legs, her hair covering half her face. Clarke laughed after the moment was over, and the field of lilies surrounding them swayed along with her lighthearted laughter.

Lexa really liked Clarke’s laughter. She couldn’t help but smile at the blonde’s toothy grin and the slight shake of her head. It was charming, and she wondered how Clarke’s smooth pale cheeks would feel under her caress. And her hair, if it smelled like the sun with the way it glowed all the time.

“What’s so funny?”

“That was what you said to me, when you left me at Mount Weather.”

“It is wrong that I feel like if I have to make that decision again, I would do it all over again?”

“You told me once that love is weakness, but the love you felt for your people was what made you a great leader. I’d be worried if you wouldn’t do it all over again.”

Amusement was painted across Lexa’s face. “Love is weakness? What made me all melancholy and cynical?”

“There was a girl.” The smile dropped from Clarke’s face. She felt her stomach sink at what she was about to bring up. It was inevitable. “Her name was Costia. You loved her, and she was kidnapped and killed by the Ice Nation.”

“Because of me? Because of the Commander?” Lexa swallowed the growing lump in her throat. She wondered how many tragic stories about her time as the Commander Clarke had been holding back. If they’d have enough time in the world for Clarke to finish telling them. And if she did, would Lexa still be in one piece after that?

Clarke watched this new piece of information sink into Lexa’s brain. “She was tortured for secrets about the Commander. When the Ice Queen received none, she beheaded her.”

Lexa felt like she was going to be sick. One arm cradling her stomach and the other massaging the back of her neck. How many people had died because of her? How many people had she killed? At this point, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know. Lexa was overwhelmed with guilt and a sense of loss for someone she might never remember. She hunched her shoulders and bowed her head and closed her eyes when she felt a fresh wave of tears pool in her eyes.

Clarke’s eyes were beginning to sting with tears too, as she watched Lexa try not to break in front of her. She lifted a tentative arm and hesitated for a few seconds before landing it on Lexa’s shoulder and squeezing in comfort.

The gentle squeeze from Clarke unraveled Lexa and she couldn’t stop the silent tears from sliding down her cheeks. She gritted her teeth as an attempt to stay strong and calm, but Clarke was stroking her thumb over the material of Lexa’s clothes and it made it hard for her to keep it together. The tears burned her skin and pained her insides, but not enough compared to the pain she caused the girl she once loved. The girl whom gave up her life for Lexa, for the Commander.

Clarke had the sudden urge to reach forward and wipe the tears away with her own thumbs and to caress Lexa’s jaw and tilt her chin up so she could look into those green eyes. But Clarke knew it would be out of line and Lexa would never allow that from happening. They were no longer together and Clarke was still struggling to face that fact every single day.

They sat like that, Clarke’s hand on Lexa’s shoulder until the tears stopped flowing and Lexa resumed to stare up at the sky silently, leaving Clarke to stare at the back of her head. They sat there for hours, the flowers swaying in sadness until their stomachs growled and it was time to eat again.

* * *

Clarke woke up the next day to find the space beside her cold and empty. As she looked out the window, the brightness of the lake suggested that the sun was already high up in the sky and the morning wasn’t as early as she’d like it to be. She stood from the bed and slipped a sweater over her head before heading for the door.

The sudden onslaught of brightness caused her to squint for a moment to adjust to the sunlight. Clarke stepped onto the tiny porch and looked around for Lexa but there was no sign of her presence. “Lexa?”

Clarke swallowed nervously, a sense of worry slowly working its way up her spine. The horse was gone too and the land surrounding the cabin was too quiet. Clarke feared that Lexa had left without a word, and wouldn’t be surprised if she did.

After they returned to the cabin yesterday and the rest of the night after that, Lexa had been quiet. After dinner, she took a walk along the lake and Clarke decided to let her be. She tried to stay awake until Lexa returned, but she was growing weary by the second hour and had fallen into involuntary sleep. With her hands on her hips, Clarke wondered if Lexa ever came to bed last night.

Maybe this whole trying to regain her memory thing was getting to be too much for Lexa. Maybe the stories of her past as the Commander overwhelmed her and yesterday with Costia was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Maybe this cabin and Clarke’s company weren’t enough for Lexa to heal. Maybe Clarke wasn’t enough for Lexa.

Before she could panic any longer, Clarke could hear a horse’s soft neigh and slow trot from the woods in front of the cabin. She waited and watched the swaying trees until Lexa and their dark brown horse came into view. Clarke sighed in relief and was extremely glad to see Lexa. Long brown hair was tied up in a messy ponytail and it swung along with the stallion’s stride. When she dismounted the horse, Lexa reached into the pouch that slung over her shoulder to retrieve a small bag. She walked up the steps and joined Clarke on the porch, the bag of berries in one hand and stretched her arm out to offer Clarke the bag.

“Good morning, Clarke. These are the berries that you like.”

Clarke took the bag and inspected the contents. At the sight of a bag full of her favorite berries, Clarke’s felt a warmth growing in her chest, spreading throughout her body and her head slightly giddy from Lexa’s kind gesture, the worry from earlier fading quickly.

“Morning. How did you know these are my favorite?”

“I notice things, Clarke.”

Clarke eyed Lexa carefully. This Lexa was different from the one from yesterday. Green eyes no longer dull and pained, they were warm and bright, it was the perfect shade of green that Clarke fell for. The smirk on her face and the lightness in her voice reminded Clarke of a playful side of Lexa that she hardly saw during Lexa’s time as the Commander. It was a rare sight and only happened when Clarke was next to her.

“Well, thanks for the berries.” Clarke didn’t ask where did she go, or if she came to bed last night. She accepted the berries and smiled at Lexa, letting the noises of the woods replace the silence between them.

“I want to apologize for yesterday, after you told me about Costia. I shouldn’t have given you the cold shoulder. I just needed some time to myself.”

“I understand Lexa, you don’t need to apologize. I know this hasn’t been easy on you.”

To be honest, Clarke was surprised it took Lexa this long to finally break. The Commander led an extremely difficult life and did many ruthless yet necessary things. Clarke herself was having a hard time telling these stories to the former Commander, and wasn’t at all surprised by Lexa’s reaction yesterday. It was natural, it was needed, and it was healthy.

* * *

Clarke popped a few berries into her mouth and tried not to stare at the way those leather pants were hugging Lexa’s legs. She was propped against a tree by the lake with her sketchbook in hand as she’d decided to stay under the shade that day. She had a fairer skin and didn’t want to get sunburned. But Lexa was welcomed to stay out in the sun as much as she liked.

She chewed the berries and the bursts of sweetness helped to quench her thirst brought on by the particularly hot day. Clarke tried her hardest not to look at Lexa strip her clothes a few meters in front of her. She tried not to look at the way Lexa’s top fell off her left shoulder after undoing a few buttons, revealing smooth tanned skin. And as the wind blew long dark and wavy hair to one side, Clarke tried not to look at the long expanse of Lexa’s neck. When Lexa’s top fell onto the ground, Clarke licked her lips and tasted sweetness there.

She told herself it was the sweetness of the berries, but deep down Clarke still remembered the taste of Lexa’s skin.

Feeling her face grow hot, Clarke quickly looked down at her sketchbook and let her hair cover part of her face. It was incredibly inappropriate, Clarke realized, and she didn’t need to look at the way Lexa peeled the tight black leather pants from her legs.

While Lexa enjoyed the coolness of the water, Clarke sketched. She sketched the view in front of her, the mountains and the trees, she sketched the Ark like she did many times, the shapes and lines of her home ingrained in her mind and in the fingers that held her pencil.

Every once in a while, Clarke would look up to see Lexa floating around in the water, only her head visible. Her fingers itched to draw Lexa like she used to before she’d lost her memories, before the war with the Ice Nation. It didn’t matter if Clarke only drew the pair of green eyes or the tattoos on her back. Clarke always felt a sense calmness in her when her fingers painted pictures of the brunette. She’d missed the calmness and desperately wanted to get it back.

Clarke was sketching something she’d saw on their journey to the cabin from a few days ago when Lexa joined her under the tree. She was in her underwear – cloth covered chest and tight shorts – and wet from the lake, feeling absolutely refreshed. She dried herself with a clean rag before sitting next to Clarke, and Lexa saw the pencil in Clarke’s hand and the sketchbook in her lap and curiosity showed by the raise of her eyebrow.

“I did not know you are an artist, Clarke.”

“I like to doodle and paint sometimes, but I don’t know about being an artist.” Clarke smiled, feeling slightly shy about her favorite pastime.

“Do you wield a brush or a black lead?”

Clarke nodded, so Lexa continued.

“Do you use them to decorate blank canvases then?

Clarke knew where this was headed because she had a similar conversation with Lexa when she first saw Clarke’s work ages ago, but nodded anyway.

“Then you are an artist.” Lexa smiled at Clarke, water droplets dripping from her hair down to her shoulders. “May I see it?”

Lexa pointed at the sketchbook and Clarke began to panic a little internally. This was different than the last time she showed Lexa her work. There were only sketches of her friends, landscapes and more landscapes last time, but now her book consisted of Lexa too. Of Lexa’s face, of Lexa’s curves and of Lexa’s tattoos. Clarke blushed slightly and bit her bottom lip but handed the book over anyway.

Clarke watched Lexa’s face as she turned page by page to look at her sketches. Her features betrayed nothing, a steady calmness only until her fingers twitched at a particular page and caused tanned cheeks to redden slightly. Clarke peered at the page until she, too, blushed at the drawing.

The page was covered by a drawing of a very naked Lexa. Clarke remembered that day (and night) well. It was a quick sketch of Lexa’s curves, the tattoo on her arm, several prominent scars and her long messy hair splayed over her pillow and bed. The sky was still a dull grey when Clarke took the opportunity to draw Lexa’s sleeping form, her expression young and peaceful without the worries of war and destruction that usually showed on the Commander’s face.

Lexa’s fingers ran over the black lines of Clarke’s drawing, going over her own curves and features. Even though it was a quick sketch, the imperfections were perfect in an odd way Lexa couldn’t explain. It looked clean. She looked simple. She looked _happy_.

Finally she turned to a new page, a page filled with different kinds of flowers and horses and deer. Lexa had to stop there, she didn’t think she could look at any more portraits of herself on the other pages if there were still more to come. Her heart ached with every breath she took as Clarke’s sketches reminded her of something she’d lost, something so precious and special she had with Clarke. These intimate moments, small yet significant and Clarke documented them in picture form so she wouldn’t forget and there was a chance Lexa could never remember them ever again. It pained her that she couldn’t remember these moments. That she couldn’t remember Clarke. That pain was all too familiar by now, the constant disappointment she was feeling every day she couldn’t remember anything, anything at all.

Lexa closed the book and returned it to Clarke. Their hands touched for a second, and for a second too long. Lexa lingered for a moment, and when she looked up at Clarke, she saw wide blue eyes staring back at her. Her heart pounded like she had been running away from a Pauna, out of breath and afraid, afraid that something might happen if she lingered too long.

But that didn’t stop Lexa from reaching up and brushing stray blonde hair away from Clarke’s face and behind her burning ear.

“These are beautiful, Clarke. You are a great artist.” Lexa’s throat suddenly felt dry and she reached for the small bag between herself and Clarke for a couple of berries.

The color in Clarke’s cheeks seemed to have become a permanent pink. She looked away, out into the lake. “Th-thanks.”

They sat in silence, both looking forward and trying to ignore the moment from earlier. They sat until Clarke had to break the painful silence. She cleared her throat and turned to Lexa. “Since we’re not sure how long we’ll be staying here, why don’t we plant some fruits and vegetables? I brought some seeds from the Ark. How do you feel about gardening?”

Lexa stood up quietly and offered a hand to Clarke.

“I like tomatoes.”

* * *

_A drop of blood landed onto the frozen white ground, and then another until she’d lost count. It all fell onto the snow in slow motion and Clarke could hear the impact of blood meeting ice, the sickening dripping sound, the dull thud. It felt like centuries before Clarke could move and tear her eyes away from the puddle of blood._

_Clarke looked up to see her mother staring at her, her eyes wide and full of dread. Abby had been impaled by a sword, red and dripping of her own blood._

_“Mum,” Clarke screamed and ran for her mother but no matter how fast or how long she’d been running, Clarke could never reach Abby who was just a short distance away._

_There was nothing around them but fog. They were stranded on the snowy ground that seemed to stretch on forever and Clarke could see her breath, but it wasn’t as cold as it looked. Suddenly, the sword was pulled out of Abby’s body and the Ice Queen appeared behind her mother when she crumpled onto the ground unconscious and the puddle of blood grew at a rapid rate._

_“Mum! No!”_

_Clarke couldn’t move her feet, they felt numb and heavy as lead and she didn’t have the chance to scream before the Queen’s icy fingers were wrapped tightly around her throat trying to squeeze the life out of her. The Queen lifted her up into the air as if she weighed nothing, a triumphant and evil grin was plastered onto her ghostly pale face and her eyes were as black as night._

_“The Commander—” the Ice Queen’s voice chilled her spine like death crawling up to the back of her neck, waiting for her on the other side. “—your lover, and your mother are both dead. Now it is your turn to join them and I will be victorious.”_

_As her eyelids fluttered close and she could feel herself fading, Clarke heard her name being called but it felt far away, like she was imagining it._

_“Clarke!”_

_That voice was so familiar, but so far away and out of reach._

_“Clarke, wake up!”_

“Clarke,” Lexa shook her shoulders gently and sighed in relief when blue eyes finally opened.

Clarke gasped and her back flew away from the bed, her hands immediately going around her neck. Her chest was heaving and she breathed like she had been holding her breath for hours, her lungs screaming and her throat burned. She looked around her surroundings and realized it was just a dream. Clarke felt the bed move and from the corner of her eye, she saw Lexa getting out of bed and walking to the table to get a cup of water. When the bed dipped again, Lexa was holding the cup to her.

“Thanks.” Clarke accepted the drink with both hands, both still shaking slightly, fingers not yet awake from the dream.

Lexa watched with worried eyes and wondered what happened in Clarke’s dream. She watched Clarke shift until her back hit the headboard and close her eyes when the liquid soothed her dry throat. Clarke looked out the window of the cabin and saw the moonlight dancing on the lake. It was soothing somehow, to watch the water glimmer in the night. She felt her heart rate slowing down and her breathing steadying, and after a few minutes of listening to her own breathing, her fingers no longer trembled. Lexa removed the cup from her grasp and left it on the bedside table.

“Are you all right?”

“I think so,” Clarke massaged her neck as if the Ice Queen actually strangled her during her sleep. Like she’d appeared out of nowhere and inside their cabin. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about your dream?” Lexa shifted and rested her back against the headboard too and turned to look at Clarke.

“Sometimes I have nightmares. Sometimes I dream about the people I love being killed in front of me. Or those I’ve killed come back to haunt me.”

Clarke sighed. This was all too familiar. Normally when she’d woken up from a nightmare, Lexa was always there to hold her. She felt uneasy suddenly, the close proximity between the two of them stifling Clarke all of a sudden. She craved Lexa’s touch, Lexa’s ability to calm her down within minutes after being held in her arms. Now Lexa was so near and yet so far and Clarke could barely stand it. Maybe she should go outside for some air.

“And who was it this time?”

“My mum. And the Ice Queen.” If Clarke closed her eyes for too long, the darkness would morph into images of her mum bleeding out and the Queen’s evil grin.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Clarke turned to look at Lexa who was looking down at her hands. “You have nothing to apologize for, Lexa.”

“I’m sorry because I don’t know what you’ve gone through. All of you. I hear the stories, but I can’t fathom what it must have been like. I’m sorry you’re having nightmares and you remember everything that happened and I don’t. It’s not fair.”

Clarke looked at Lexa’s clenched jaw and her hardened eyes and for a moment it reminded her of the Commander. Her chest felt funny at the Commander’s trademark look. Clarke didn’t know whether or not if she should be happy or sad that Lexa was no longer the Commander, and it was a thought she was struggling with every day.

“Sometimes I feel like this could be a blessing or a curse, that you lost your memories of being the Commander. A blessing because it made you forget about all the things we’ve had to do and a curse because being the Commander was such a huge part of your life, it was part of what made you _you_. Sometimes I want you to remember and sometimes, I do not.”

Because Clarke remembered the nightmares Lexa used to have too. Because she remembered the haunted green eyes and quivering lips.

“I understand.” Lexa nodded. Just by simply listening to the stories of her time as the Commander could be overwhelming sometimes.

“It might be self-centered of me to think that way, but I’m more than happy to shoulder the weight of what we’ve done so you don’t have to relive it again.”

Lexa’s eyes watered at Clarke’s torn look. Clarke was willing to carry the weight of the world for her, and Lexa felt a surge of fondness for this person she’d only knew for a short time. She noticed the tears running down Clarke’s cheeks and she couldn’t help herself but to lean closer to Clarke and wipe tear-stained cheeks with the back of her hand.

Lexa still didn’t know or understand a lot of things at this point, but one thing she knew for certain was that there was a chance she could fall for Clarke again.

* * *

It had been five days after Clarke’s nightmare and since then, they grew closer. They spent their days talking, hunting and laying in the field and then more talking. Mainly Lexa asked questions and Clarke answered them. When they talked about difficult and emotional topics, a squeeze of a hand or a gentle smile was exchanged. They walked closer too, side by side and shoulders brushing frequently. Every morning Lexa would search for Clarke’s favorite berries and Clarke would always blush at the bag offered to her.

And something about Lexa changed after that night, like Clarke’s nightmare and their talk cemented something but Clarke just couldn’t put her finger on it.

The weather had been nice so far. It seemed like snowfall was gone for good and the trees were growing its green leaves and the white in the lilies were more vibrant than ever. Spring at the cabin was going to be beautiful this year.

Clarke was nursing a cup of tea out on the front porch as she thought about the weather. She was sitting on the chair she’d dragged out from the cabin, her sketchbook laying on her lap as she watched Lexa practice over the rim of her cup.

Lexa was wearing armor and wielding a sword in one hand, slicing the air and leaping from one place to another, disturbing the fallen leaves on the ground. Lexa made sword fighting look like a dance, elegant but deadly. When she’d insisted on training that day, Clarke imagined it to be a couple of laps along the lake. Lexa needed to keep her skills sharp and intact, she was a warrior after all. And to make sure if there was any trouble, she could still kill anything or anyone in an instant.

Clarke put down her tea and opened to a new page on her book. She started to sketch the outline of Lexa’s form, then the more intricate details like the clothes and armor she was wearing and the braids in her hair.

Clarke loved to watch Lexa train even back before the war with the Ice Nation began. The concentration on Lexa’s face and the sheen of sweat coating tanned arms and neck could be quite attractive. She shook her head slightly and closed her eyes, Clarke didn’t want to think about all those times Lexa returned from her training all sweaty and glowing, and how the rest of their morning was spent in bed.

* * *

“Dinner was nice,” Clarke breathed in the evening air and watched as Lexa threw a couple of stones into the lake.

Lexa turned to look at the blonde who was sitting on top of a giant rock, hugging her knees. She sat down next to Clarke and nodded. “Yes, it was.”

They had a small feast by the lake. They’d gone fishing for the day and managed to catch a couple of big fishes that tasted heavenly when cooked right over the fire. Even without part of her memories, Lexa was still an amazing cook.

The fire had died after their meal and a cool breeze made Clarke’s body shiver. Lexa noticed that she wasn’t wearing a jacket and without hesitation, she shook off hers and placed it over Clarke’s shoulders. She wasn’t afraid of the cold anyway.

Clarke grabbed onto the fabric and a small smile pulled at her lips. “Thanks.”

Lexa nodded and continued to stare out into the lake. She could never get used to the view of the moon’s reflection on the water, the moonlight illuminating the gentle movements of the lake.

“What was it like, to live in space knowing there is a whole other world out there?”

Clarke closed her eyes for a second and tried to picture herself back on the Ark and trapped in that cell. How she used to look out of the window from her room and stare at the planet that gave birth to the human race, how she desperately wanted to return to Earth and not die in a metal box. Clarke smiled at her naivety and hopefulness back then. When she first arrived with the rest of the 100, earth was nothing but death and survival, but it was all about survival on the Ark too, wasn’t it? She wasn’t exactly living, just existing. And she’d found love here. So actually, Earth wasn’t all that bad. She had her faults, but she was dangerously beautiful, just like Lexa.

“When I was on the Ark, I felt… Trapped. A lot of us did. We’d read books and about life on Earth. About how beautiful the Earth is. The sun, the rain, and the snow, birds and dogs and coffee. People falling in love at the park and living in big cities. It sounded magical, wonderful. I wanted to experience that. And when I finally arrived, I remember closing my eyes and forcing myself to go to sleep, hoping that the next time I open them, I’d wake up from this nightmare and be back on the Ark, on my small little bed again. Sometimes I still do that.”

Lexa tilted her head and pondered over Clarke’s words. “I used to lay awake and wonder what was out there, up in the vast open sky. The stars flickering down at me like they were trying to tell me something. To tell me that I am not alone.”

Clarke looked up at the night sky. It wasn’t painted with stars like it used to, but it was still a beautiful night. “You’re not alone.” She looked at Lexa then, her eyes trained on Lexa’s profile. “We’re a tiny fleck in the system and there are like, a 100 billion stars in space. We’re all just a small part of a gigantic universe.”

 _You’re not alone_. Those words felt like it had a double meaning. Those words hung in the air around them and Lexa wanted to say ‘ _You were a big part of my life and I loved you and I cannot remember you but I desperately want to_ ’ but those words were stuck in her throat.

“You are not alone too, Clarke.”

She looked at Clarke and held her gaze. Their eyes spoke of a thousand words, some might make sense and some might not. Clarke could feel the change in the air, like any movement she made next could determine a lifetime of mistake, regret, or hope. It had been like this for some time now. The shift in the air, the longing looks. Both Clarke and Lexa were afraid of doing something stupid and ruining what they had or what they were. No doubt there was a strong connection, an attraction between the two, but they had no idea where they stood either.

Clarke wrapped Lexa’s jacket tighter around her body to refrain herself from moving closer and to stop her fingers from wanting to reach for Lexa to kiss her on the lips, her neck, anywhere.

Lexa’s fingers twitched, her eyes moving down Clarke’s face to stare at her lips. When her tongue peeked out from between her lips to wet them, Lexa felt a drop of water on her head, then two, and suddenly it was raining heavily.

Clarke yelped in surprise and stood up quickly while Lexa was still slightly dizzy from staring at soft, pink lips.

“Come on, Lexa. Let’s go!”

Lexa jumped up when she heard her name and they ran towards the cabin, hand in hand. They weren’t sure who grabbed whose hand first, but neither complained about the contact too.

They entered the cabin soaking wet, Clarke slightly better than Lexa since she had a jacket on. Her hair was incredibly damp and so was Lexa’s, and Clarke was laughing like she was 8 years old again, back on the Ark playing board games with her father and Wells. Lexa couldn’t help but smile brightly at the blonde’s carefree laughter and the dripping of rainwater from blonde hair as Clarke’s head shook with laughter. Clarke looked beautiful, wet hair and wet clothes and all, and Lexa thought if she smiled any wider, her face was going to split into two.

“You’re so beautiful, Clarke.”

The laughter stopped immediately and suddenly the silence felt too unbearable for Lexa. Regret was beginning to wash over her like the rain, her face flushed with embarrassment. Her eyes were darting around the cabin, anywhere but not on Clarke.

So she didn’t notice the way Clarke was scanning her body, at how her wet shirt was clinging onto her skin and how Clarke licked her lips when she saw drops of water sliding down Lexa’s tanned neck.

So imagine her surprise when Clarke pulled her in for a crushing kiss, her hands behind her neck trying to pull her impossibly close until their wet clothes made contact. Lexa wasn’t expecting that reaction at all.

But she recovered from her shock and kissed Clarke back with equal vigor, and the blonde moaned against her lips at the delicious pressure. Lexa pushed Clarke until her back was against the wall and they pressed their bodies against each other. Clarke’s lips tasted like berries and smoke. It was soft, so soft, and Lexa sucked onto her bottom lip, refusing to let go.

Clarke’s hands moved to the front of Lexa’s shirt and started to undo the buttons, her sudden hunger for Lexa almost intolerable. Lexa let Clarke undress her and kept their lips connected the whole time. When Clarke was done and the shirt was hanging loosely around Lexa’s shoulders, Lexa broke the kiss and pushed the jacket off Clarke’s shoulders and gulped at the sight of Clarke’s chest over the low V-neck of her shirt. The damp material was clinging onto her body and Lexa’s fingers trailed down to the hem of Clarke’s shirt, her eyes silently asking for permission. Clarke nodded and lifted her arms up for Lexa to pull it over her head and throw it onto the floor along with the jacket.

Lexa was frozen in place, the sight of Clarke’s pale skin almost frying her brain. She let Clarke push her unbuttoned shirt from her shoulders and it landed with a soft thud. The air around them shifted again, and both of them knew this had to be slow unlike the heated frenzy earlier.

Clarke let her eyes scan across Lexa’s stomach and arms, let herself take in the scars and tattoos she hadn’t seen in a long time. Clarke remembered every single one of them, those she’d been there for and those she’d heard from Lexa. She didn’t need to take a moment to familiarize herself with Lexa’s body again, but she did so anyway. The former Commander once told her that every second they get to be together may be their last. If they woke up next morning realizing that this was a mistake, then this may be their last, so Clarke wanted to cherish every second of it.

Lexa suddenly felt vulnerable in front of Clarke, under her soft gaze. She took a step away from Clarke, beginning to feel self-conscious over her body, her scars and her imperfections. She opened her mouth to speak and the words felt painful in her throat.

“I’m broken, Clarke.”

At Lexa’s words, Clarke’s eyes immediately shot up to look at the vulnerability in grey-green eyes. She shook her head and stepped closer towards Lexa and placed her hands around her waist, holding Lexa against her own body – skin on skin – and their damp skin sent shivers down both their spines.

“You’re not broken, Lexa. You’re beautiful.” Clarke’s tone was firm yet soft at the same time. She leaned in even closer until their noses touched before saying the next few words against Lexa’s lips. “You’re perfect.”

When Clarke led her to the bed, slow and steady with their eyes closed and foreheads touching, Lexa thought she could definitely love this woman again.

* * *

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed, her chest rising and falling as she begged. “Beja. Please stop. I can’t take anymore.”

She pushed at blonde hair until blue eyes peered up at her, bright with playfulness and soft with love and a matching grin on her face. Clarke kissed her one last time and Lexa’s entire being jerked at the feather light touch. She was too sensitive and already had three orgasms in the early morning thanks to Clarke.

Clarke placed kisses along Lexa’s left thigh before resting her head on the toned stomach. Bright blue eyes continued to look at Lexa lovingly as she tried to calm the storm beneath her chest. Clarke kissed her stomach and rubbed soothingly at Lexa’s waist. When Lexa’s breathing returned to normal and finally found the energy to move her limbs, she urged Clarke to shift upwards until their legs tangled up together and Clarke laid her head in the space between Lexa’s shoulder and neck. She looked up to kiss Lexa fully and slowly, her pale hand on Lexa’s chest and she could feel the thunderstorm calming beneath her skin. They broke the languid kiss just as the last remaining flickering light from one of the candles died, and Clarke pressed a kiss under Lexa’s jaw as Lexa held her close and breathed in her blonde hair. Indeed it smelled like the sun, but also rainwater from last night.

Lexa pulled the fur blanket higher to cover the both of them and Clarke ran her fingers over a scar on Lexa’s bicep, and then another on her forearm. The former Commander’s had scars all over her body, some reminded Clarke of the times she’d almost lost Lexa. When Clarke’s fingers trailed over another scar on Lexa’s bicep, the blissful silence was interrupted by Lexa.

“How did I get this one?”

“A Mountain Man tried to kill you with his dagger.”

Lexa pointed at the one on her waist. “What about this one?”

“An arrow from an Ice Nation warrior when we attacked their camp.”

She pointed at another on her shoulder. “And this?”

“Raven shot you when you returned to the Ark with me months after Mount Weather.”

Lexa’s eyebrow shot up, not at all angry at what she’d heard, but amused. “To kill me?”

Clarke shook her head against Lexa’s shoulder. “To call it even.”

When Lexa first saw the scars on her body, she was shocked and angry at herself. At everything. She had all these scars and people around her to prove that she was a different person, not just a young warrior in a village who lived with her parents. Every scar told a different story, a different pain, and Lexa was mad that she couldn’t remember them.

Now that she had time to learn about her scars, about herself, she realized that even though she was no longer the Commander, Clarke was still the leader of the Sky People. And one day she’d have to return home and lead her people. Clarke didn’t have all the time in the world like Lexa did to tell her stories about her scars or why Clarke’s favorite color was green or why she loved those berries so much. The realization was like a smack in the face, although Lexa would want to live here forever, Clarke had responsibilities and family and friends back at Camp Jaha.

“Clarke.”

Clarke kissed her shoulder before looking up into green eyes. “Yes, Lexa?”

“I’m not the person you fell in love with. I’m not the Commander anymore.”

Clarke blinked at Lexa’s words. “I didn’t fall in love with Lexa the Commander. I fell in love with Lexa, the most wonderful and caring person I’ve ever met.”

“You’re the leader of the Skaikru. You cannot be stuck here with me.”

“My mum is the chancellor of the Ark, and if they need me, they know where to find me. I will always be there for my people, but right now I need to be here.”

Lexa shook her head, her eyes refusing to meet Clarke’s. “Clarke, you don’t have to do this.”

“You don’t understand, Lexa. I’m not just doing this for you. I’m doing this for me too. I need this as much as you do.” Clarke cupped Lexa’s cheek with one hand. “I need… I need you, Lexa. Just you.”

Lexa swallowed the huge lump that formed in her throat and clenched her jaw. She looked up at the roof of the cabin and tried to blink back tears. Was it possible to feel so much and so fast for someone you’d only known for a short period of time?

Clarke stroke her jaw, trying to sooth the tension there. “And I didn’t just fall for you, Lexa. I jumped head first into the ocean with my eyes closed, without knowing if I’d drown or if the waves would carry me ashore to you.”

Lexa felt like she was witnessing a phenomenon. A girl whom lived in the sky almost all her life was right there next to her - hair as golden as the sun and eyes sometimes as bright as the afternoon sky and as dark as the vast, deep ocean - spilling her heart out with her guard down and her smooth curves against her own skin.

“Clarke,” Lexa looked into the blues that were shining with tears, wide and hopeful and bracing themselves for the worst. Clarke waited for Lexa to continue.

“I think, I think I can love you.”

And that was all Clarke needed to hear for now.

* * *

When she heard horses approaching from the woods, Clarke knew who it would be and smiled at the thought of seeing her mother. She was sitting on the steps of the front porch tying up her laces, and when she looked up, Lexa who was standing over at their small garden shot her a curious glance. She was about to ask Clarke who the intruders could be when her question was answered by the sight of Abby and two of the Skaikru's guards. The horses neighed when they stopped right in front of the cabin and Clarke stood up to greet their visitors.

"Hey, mum. It’s so good to see you." Clarke was pulled into a hug once Abby had gotten down from her horse.

“It’s good to see you too, honey. You look well.” Clarke sighed at the embrace, it was nice to see her mother again and warm, motherly hugs were the best.

But worry started to rise and make itself known in her chest, thoughts about yet another new imminent threat forming in her head. Things were going well for her and Lexa, and now they might have to return to Camp Jaha, or at least she might have to.

Clarke broke the embrace and Abby frowned at the change in her daughter's expression. "Is everything okay back in Camp Jaha?"

"Everything's fine, Clarke. I'm just here to see my daughter. And Lexa." Abby smiled reassuringly at Clarke's worry. She looked over Clarke's shoulder to see Lexa watching the both of them. They exchanged nods before Lexa made her way towards thm.

Clarke exhaled the breath she'd been holding, relief slowly washing down her spine. When Lexa appeared beside her, they were standing a little too close and Abby raised a brow at their close proximity but said nothing.

“Abby of the Sky People, it is a pleasure to see you again.”

“Likewise, Lexa. I hope you’re doing well.”

Lexa looked at Clarke and they smiled at each other. “Yes, I am doing very well. Thank you for your concern.”

“That’s great.” Abby smiled at the pair and let silence fill the air around them until Lexa excused herself and got back to work.

Clarke had to walk away from the awkward silence too, greeting the two guards and making small talk before they, too, excused themselves to rest by the lake. Clarke then led Abby towards the front porch and gestured for her mother to take a seat as she sat beside her on the other chair. Clarke offered Abby some water and she accepted it with a kind smile.

Abby took a few sips until she decided to break the silence. She looked at the lake and at the two guards resting under a tree. “It’s beautiful here.”

Clarke looked out at the lake and nodded. “Yes, it is. How’s everyone doing?”

“Everyone’s fine. But they miss you.”

“I miss them too.”

“I never thought I’d ever see Lexa do some gardening work.” Abby looked to her left and saw Lexa watering some plants.

Clarke laughed softly and followed Abby’s gaze. She looked fondly at Lexa, her face dirty with soil, her ponytail loose and her arms glowing with sweat. “She loves tomatoes.”

When Clarke turned to look at her mother, she was met by a concern look from Abby.

“Has she regained any of her memories?”

Clarke sighed. “No, not yet.” _Maybe never._

Abby sighed too and placed a hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’ll be okay, mum.” Clarke raised her arm to squeeze the hand that was on her shoulder. Of course she knew about Clarke and Lexa. Mothers always knew, and mothers always worried.

“Clarke, what if she’d never regain her memories?”

Clarke turned to look at Lexa again, who was oblivious of the mother daughter conversation. She watched as Lexa wiped a drop of sweat above her brow with her hand, leaving a streak of soil there. And her heart grew a little too large in her chest when Lexa happened to look up and meet her gaze, smiling and eyes green and sparkling with happiness.

“Then we’ll create new ones. One day at a time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Trikru - Tree People  
> Nomon en nontu - Mother and Father  
> Heda - Commander  
> Yu laik Trigedakru, disha laik yu houm - You are Tree People, this is your home  
> Mochof - Thank you  
> Pauna - Gorilla  
> Beja - Please  
> Skaikru - Sky People
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
